Not What I Planned but Exactly What I Needed.

Liam wasn't planned. We always wanted 3 kids, but maybe not when Liam was actually conceived but there were those 2 pink lines, so the adventure began.  I wanted a little girl so desperately. I know another girl couldn't replace Maya but when I found out Liam was a boy I was so devastated. Guilt overrode my whole pregnancy. I don't think I ever came to terms with losing the little girl I thought belonged in our family. How could someone whose lost a sweet baby not be grateful for the one she is carrying.

It's been one year. One year since I woke up feeling contractions at 5 am. One year since my family and friends gathered at my home to witness the peaceful home water birth of our 4th baby. One year since my midwife uttered the words - cord prolapse.  One year since I was rushed to the hospital and put under general anesthesia.  One year since I woke up terrified and in pain as a mother of four. 


Liam didn't grow.  We nursed and nursed. We pumped and pumped. Being the confident mom of 2 children who nursed and grew without issues, I struggled to believe that I couldn't feed my baby enough so that he'd grow.  At 2 months old he was still at his birth weight.  We spent the next 2 months in and out of doctors from xrays and bloodwork to testing for Cystic Fibrosis. After 3 months he started growing and the testing finally stopped.  

Liam was different.  He's our only baby who wasn't planned.  He's our only baby that had to be delivered by a terrifying c-section.  He's our only baby who didn't grow properly.  

Today, on Thanksgiving our little Liam is 1 year old.  What a fitting day to celebrate a baby who easily could have not made it through his traumatic birth. Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about Liam.  I can't express the deep and incredible connection I have with each of my kids but Liam is special. He's special because in his short life he's taught me what's important. He's taught me to embrace what I have no control over.  He's taught me that I'm stronger than I ever knew.  More than anything, he's taught me that no matter what I think I want, sometimes what you get is really what you need.