My 1 Year Old Uterus

What is it about your baby turning one that has you doubting your decisions? Is it those first few words? Watching them finally let go of your hand and take those first few wobbly steps? We decided we'd have only two babies but all of a sudden that nagging voice says, "I wonder what having three would be like?"

There are so many reasons that having only two would make sense for us. Our house has only three bedrooms and they are way to small to share. The toll it would take on us financially for me to be back on maternity leave and then the cost of putting them all into daycare when I went back to work (if I went back to work?) I haven't even begun to think about paying for another set of ballet, piano or soccer fees, let alone university in the not so distant future. My heart doesn't seem to be considering budgets and square footage though. None of these rational thoughts seem to make those nagging thoughts quiet down.

I wonder if most parents go through this tug of war between heart and head. I hear so many people say, "I am SO done" and I definitely don't feel that way, but I do agree that not having anymore children would be the easier.  This story from momstown Barrie makes me a little terrified to be outnumbered!  It seems like such a final decision to make at twenty seven; I keep thinking that I might change my mind when I'm 35 or even 40. If those first steps cause so much confusion I can only imagine what sort of emotional hurricane I will be in watching my babies climb onto that big yellow bus or sit in the drivers seat of a car.

Sometimes I look at that sweet baby...toddler (okay there I said it) and think this can't be the last time. It can't be the last time I feel the unmistakable flutter of a sweet miracle in my tummy. It can't be the last time I lay awake in the middle of the night so grateful to stare at the angel nestled in next to me and it can't be the last time that I feel my baby's hand wrapped around my finger. So are we done having babies? The more I think about it the more I don't want to make a decision. Why do I feel so much pressure to decide right now anyway? I know I can't make any rational choices staring into those big blue eyes and hearing them giggle, finally learning to play together. It's like grocery shopping when you're starving. For now, we'll enjoy our girls and see what the future holds.